Heart and Liver Explosion

Sitting at Ban nard and Congress the other night, the drivers and I were talking about how we would like to open up a pedicab bar.  It could be a bar for pedicabbers, but more likely, it would a pedicab themed bar.

We decided we wanted to do this after inventing two new shots.

The first one would be the pedicab special. This lovely concoction would change every time.
Take one pint glass.
Fill with three counts of every liquor within reach.
Do this again.
Then fill add a little sprite.
And there you have it people.  This is the pedicab special.

The next shot, and my personal favorite, is the Paula Dean.  I am a fan of this shot just for how horrible it really is.
Take one half empty land o lakes tub of butter.
Melt half of said butter.
Fill to the top with Southern Comfort.
You’re done!  Enjoy your liver and heart going out at the same time.
Oh and if you pay the bartender a little extra he might slip a little cocaine into the shot.

Zombies and Pedicabs

There has been something on my mind since Halloween.  I have been wondering if there were an actual zombie outbreak, could I outfit a pedicab that would help me survive?

The answer is not just yes.

The correct answer is HELL yes.

We could weld blades to the wheels like chariots.  Then I would mount a gun on the back.  This way someone can pedal while someone kills the hordes of the undead.

The Roommate and I actually went so far as to pick out whom among our blue army compatriots we would pick to help us survive.

Lunchbox would make a great heavy weapons guy.  Only a little bit of that pun is intended.  However, I think he would work out great.  Plus if the cab gets destroyed, I don’t have to outrun the zombies.  I just have to outrun Lunchbox.

The Roommate would also be on my list.  Number one, he is my roommate.  And though he is a little crazy.  I think it might be useful in that sort of epidemic.  He can be very resourceful when he wants to.

The Manager would also be there.  If for no other reason than this, he is a wily bastard.

A-cup would be there as well.  She is my best friend.  I have to have her there.

Also one of the new kids, Radar, would be useful.  He knows how to do a lot of stuff.  Plus I would like to hear him say “choppers” just once before dead people who have personal space issues kill me.

No weaseling, No one can weasel.

Majority of our drivers are students. Majority of the student drivers are also SCAD students. So every quarter my boss has to go through the same thing.

“Man, I know I put myself down to work but I really need to go home and study.”

So I ride into the shop on today with the Roommate. My boss looks at me as I walk up to him and says.

NO, YOU CAN’T GET OFF WORK TONIGHT. I LET OTHER PEOPLE WEASEL. NO MORE WEASELING. I DON’T LIKE WEASELS.”

At which I say, “I don’t know what you are talking about. I just wanted to give you hug?”

He calls my bluff by saying “Bull Shit! weasels don’t hug, they weasel.

I am stuck out here now. And I have the phone. I brought my laptop. I am really bored right now.

Dear Santa I want more money.

So I have just found out about two hours ago that I my winter job has just been approved.  I have been waiting the past three weeks for the Mayor of Charleston to approve the budget for Charleston’s Holiday Magic.

Before you get any wild ideas.  No, I am not working as a Santa, and I am certainly not working as an elf.

I get paid $10.00 an hour to sit on my ass and read.  As opposed to sitting on my ass and pedaling someone around, hoping that they might give me enough money to make it feel like I am getting paid $10.00 an hour.

But don’t worry; your favorite pedicabber is not quitting.  I am just taking a well-deserved break.

Not Clear at my #$%*&^% apartment.

As you may or may not have guessed, pedicab works completely off of our cell phones. A call comes into the pedicab land line.  That call is forwarded to a cell phone.  Someone answers that phone.  That person then calls a driver to dispatch them to where the original caller is located.

We have a series of code phrases that help us know what the driver is doing, and where they are located.

Our codes:

Clear at….- This means that I do not have anyone in my cab and I would love to take a ride.

Example: Clear at Bull and Broughton.

Not Clear- It means I am on a ride.

Clear in Five- I think you get the idea.

Then we have some secret ones

10:13- This means that the driver is getting lucky at the moment.  Now, this is kind of disgusting when you think about it.  It is almost prostitution. You give them a ride.  They give you a ride. However, our boss and owner at pedicab started this business for three reasons:

1.) He though he could make some money.

2.)  He though it would be fun.

3.) He wanted to pick up chicks.

Thus 10:13 was born.

From 10:13 we have developed three more code signs along with it.

Kennedy or the JFK:  This means “Don’t worry man, I’ve got this.

The Pope:  This is to say that it will take an act of god to make this happen.

And The Elvis:  This means that you are putting on all the moves.  Even your blue suede shoes.

Mondays- This is a polite way of saying that the people in your cab are shitty tippers.

So next time you are walking by any my blue army brothers and sisters.  Just listen to what they might be saying.

 

We have a plan.

We have a plan. We have planned to take out all of our competition.

1.) We are going throw Molotov cocktails through the windows of Sekka Bicycle shop.

Why, you may ask? It is simple really. It is all a matter of turf. The owner of Sekka tried to start a new Pedicab company in town. This town is not big enough for two sets of Pedicabbers.

2.) We have this sneaky scheme to befriend The Carriage companies. We will befriend them, but only so we can use them and their horses to destroy all of the trolleys and Taxi’s in town.

3.) While we are all celebrating our victory. We are going to set the horses free. They will then turn on their former slave drivers. We will let them go. All that will be left is us. We will have free run of the entire city. What’s left of it anyway?

Dear laughing lady

Dear Mrs. Hysterics,

Your laugh is really annoying.  I mean your laugh would make Steven King shit himself.

I truly do believe you should considering a career as a mime.

Meat Fight?

It is beyond me to understand why people do the things they do when they’re drunk. It is one thing to go act like a complete drunken idiot in the comfort of your home. Why would do these things out on the town?

The other night the roommate and I were on a two-cab ride. We pick four drunk off duty fire fighters at Sweet Melissa’s’. They are loaded up with Hamburgers and Hot dogs.

We get them into our cabs and start peddling away. They are laughing and joking around. It was your typical drunk conversation.

“Nurr, Nurr, Oh man, did you see that girl at roof top, Nurr Nurr.” You know exactly how it goes.

So we keep going as we pass the colonial cemetery on Abercorn and Perry. As we take a corner one of our passengers in the roommates cab throws a bit of his hot dog at one of my passengers.  From there a meat fight ensues.

I can’t honestly say what could possess someone to have a meat fight.  Even with massive amounts of booze coursing through one’s system, why would you throw meat at someone’s face?

I hate people sometimes.

I Need Warmer Clothes

Though the temperature might have gone up a little recently, there is now denying that fall is here.  Upon realizing this, I started to think back to last fall and winter. These are a few of the pleasant things that came to mind.

1.) SWEAT- it is always nice when you can spend the night not sweating from everyone pore on your body. Honestly, being drenched in sweats constantly sucks. But, being drenched in sweat and getting used to it. That is even worse.

2.) THE COUPLES- because it is cold, all the couples come out of the woodwork. All of those couples walking around holding hands, and they think that they should take a Pedicab ride. I suppose it reminds them of those awful diamond commercials that play around Christmas.

“Oh yes honey, I love you so much. This is so romantic, snuggling here with you, while watching the frostbitten college student peddle us around. Marry me!”

So from my point of view, it is kind of annoying. However, they do pay well. And, from an outside point of view it is cute.

3.) JEANS- when it is still remotely warm out our boss will not let us wear jeans. But when it gets cold, all restrictions are off.

4.) PITY- Once again, people think we have the worst job in the world. So we get free: coffee, sandwiches, soup, umbrellas, and even clothes. Free stuff is always nice.

5.) COMPANIONSHIP- it is this time of year that you make friends with your fellow drivers.  Misery makes wonderful bedfellows.

An apology

It occurs to me that I point out poor tippers all the time. However, I never let any of you know about the good rides I have.

Profitable rides happen now and then. Here is a general description of what good tippers look like.

Thanks for reading.